So....

We had another miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant again the first week of December, so we literally got pregnant again right away after the first miscarriage in November. Cool. I had high hopes about this one. Went in for my first doctor's appointment that week, everything's looking good. Had an u/s but it was too early to see anything at the time. At this time I'm only going off my miscarriage date for a due date. I have nothing else to go off of at this point, and the nurse says that should be about right. I'm thinking I'm about 5wks along. I go in for an ultrasound 2 weeks after and I see the sac and yolk sac and am measuring about 5 1/2 weeks. I'm a little disappointed, but it's okay because I know I can't really go off a m/c for accurate dates. But I'm also happy because A) it's further than I got last time and B)It's more than I had last time (only saw a little bitty sac the first pregnancy). Still feeling good about this pregnancy at this point.

I find out from my friend Patty that I may want to have them check my progesterone levels. TMI... but I get yeast infections A LOT. I mean, like every month a few days before I get my period. Patty brings to my attention that low progesterone levels could be what's causing this. And your baby needs progesterone in order to grow. I immediately do some research online and call my nurse. She's retarded and just says "well its probably just the hike in your estrogen levels each month when you ovulate that's causing the yeast infections." I can't really fault this doctor cause he is a new doctor (My old doc was just a GYNO so I only started going to him once I found out about my first pregnancy). Anyway, I tell my nurse that I want to come in for a lab to check my progesterone levels anyway. She says okay. I go in, get blood drawn. Call back a few days later for my results. guess what? Dumbass only checked my HCG hormone. Idiot! Good news, it's doubled. Anyway, I tell them again that I need my PROGESTERONE checked. So I go back in a couple days later (I don't have all the time in the world you know?) and get another lab. I make sure to ask the lab tech lady what they're sending it in for cause I'm going to be pissed if they fuck up again. Now we're running into the holidays and this is the week of Christmas, and places are going to be closed. I call in early the next week for the results (due to the short week for Xmas) and I get my results. Yep. Progesterone is LOW. It was at a 7.7, nurse said should be around 10...? She honestly didn't know what she was talking about, she said so. She had to put me on hold and ask someone how to read the results because she didn't know how to read progesterone. :::eyeroll::. She rights me a prescription for the progesterone supplements. Tells me to make sure to call the pharmacy first because they have to specially make them there or something. I call the next day (New Years Eve at this point) and they say they haven't gotten the order. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Now I'm pissed. I'm 6 1/2 wks at this point and I know I need these, like 2 weeks ago. Ugh. Long story short, I wasn't able to even pick up the prescription until Monday due to the holidays and the pharmacy being closed. So I didn't even start the progesterone supplements till I was 7wks along.

Then 2 weeks later I go in for my 2nd appointment with my doctor. Everything's hunky dory, I'm about 7wks3d at this point. They didn't do an u/s at first but then once I saw the doc they said, "yeah let's get you in for an u/s." Go into the u/s room and this is where everything goes wrong. The tech says, "well you're measuring at about 5wk6d." And I say, "um... well, I don't get it. I was measuring 5 1/2 weeks last time I came in." And I see more on the u/s this time. There is a little "peanut" or embryo or whatever you wanna call it, and the fetal pole. But no heartbeat. yeah, and heartbeat at 7wks would be pretty important. I see the nurse again for my H1N1 shot and tell her I'm really confused and scared. She said that it's basically 50/50 at this point. Either my dates are off and I'm really only 5wk6d or I'll be miscarrying. Uh... okay. That makes me feel just GREAT!She says come back Monday for another u/s to see if we get a heartbeat. So I leave there totally bummed and depressed. I call Husband right away and just start balling. I KNOW this is not good news. I just am absolutely certain that I'm going to miscarry again. If I was only 5wks6d at this point that means I would've gotten a BFP only 1 1/2wks pregnant. Not possible.

Go in Monday, and whattya know. I was right. No heartbeat. Still measuring about the same as the week prior. I'm sad, but not surprised. I had prepared myself for it, plus I woke up with a cold, so it just hurts physically to cry. So I see the doctor and he schedules me for a D&C. I went in for my D&C last Wednesday the 13th. Everything went good. I just hate anethesia. It always makes me sick. I was fine emotionally too.

Then Friday I just broke down. Husband and I were at dinner and baby talk got brought up somehow at the end and I was just holding it in. As soon as we hit the parking lot I just lost it. I am just so disappointed and frustrated and a little angry at this point. When we started TTC it was very casual for us. It was one of those "we're not, not trying" things. Where we wanted it and were ready but were just going to see how things went. I didn't expect to be able to get pregnant so easily or fast. I mean things could definitely be worse, and I know that. I'm extremely lucky that we can get pregnant so easily. I just can't seem to STAY pregnant easily. At this point I'm just terrified. Terrified that this is going to happen over and over again. Terrified that this is going to happen in my 2nd trimester and I'll have to give birth to a dead baby. Terrified that I'm going to have a high risk pregnancy once I do stay pregnant. Maybe I'm just paranoid at this point, but I can't help it. It's scary and I really don't want to go through this again. Now all I want is a baby. Why can't I just go back to feeling casual about this? Now I'm anxious and impatient, and I just WANT A BABY NOW! You know? I hate feeling this way. It's just that we were so excited both times and it really got into our heads and we made plans and it was ripped out from underneath us not once, but twice. It sucks. Sucks big hairy balls. :*( Brian has been great too. He's completely taken care of me through all this and stayed strong for the both of us. This one hit him hard too. I have to remember that this effects him just as much as it does me emotionally. He wants this just as much as I do at this point. He's my rock and my better half and I'm just so fucking lucky to have him.

I'm really really hoping that now that I know that my progesterone is low I can start it right away (depending on what the doctor says), and pregnancy #3 will be great and I'll have a healthy baby by the end of 2010. I'm going to switch doctors to someone who knows something about progesterone and miscarriages. My doctor thinks it's no big deal. Just normal thing to happen. No biggie. "hey, if you have 5 or 10 in a row, no big deal!" Um, yes. It's a big deal to me, thank you. I'm also going to wait a cycle before getting pregnant again this time. My doctor says it's okay to get pregnant right away, don't even have to wait for a period, which is exactly what we did last time. Well, I think I'm going to give my body a rest, and I've heard differently from other people. Like I said my doctor doesn't think anything's a big deal.

So 3rd time's a charm, right?! Oh God, I really hope so. They say he doesn't give you anything more than you can handle. Well, I really don't think I can handle this again, so please God. Please please please let this next one be the one. kthxbai.